Before birthing my own spawn, I had my own (very strong) opinions about how my child would and should be raised. From little things like “I will NEVER lick my finger to clean something off her face...eww!” (I’ve already done it, and she’s only 7 months old...) to more significant things like “I will follow my doctor’s opinions on when and how to vaccinate”, I had so many ideas about how to be a parent. And admittedly, I was quick to judge other parents’ styles and think to myself that I would NEVER be like them. My childless self said things like “I will NEVER let my child sleep in my bed”, or “I will feel totally comfortable drinking a bit of booze while breastfeeding”, but now that the little lady’s here, I have no clue about my own opinions anymore. Everything is in the dreaded ‘gray zone’. As someone who used to think of things as clearly right or wrong, the gray zone is an uncomfortable place to be spending my time. I think it’s the biggest example about how I’m as new at being a mom as she is at being a baby, and we’re really just learning the ropes together.
There are seriously dozens of examples of things that I’ve flip-flopped on, but here are two that have come up over the past weekend. Example 1: She spent the entire night in our bed two nights ago. Right between us, where I vowed NEVER to put her. But dammit, I was just too exhausted to keep putting her in her own bed and risk waking her up...so there she stayed, sleeping peacefully and snuggling so sweetly, breaking one of my golden rules. (Secretly, I love having her there...she’s SO warm.) & example 2: I’m so paranoid about drinking any booze that I just can’t enjoy it anymore. I haven’t had a cocktail in a year and a half, and guess what? It sucks. Totally. While pregnant, I was truly fine with others drinking happily while I had to order a club soda because I was baking a baby, but now that we’re pushing 18 months (9 months of pregnancy + 8 months of breastfeeding), I feel jealous of how carefree others can be. I’ve been doing what’s right for the baby since October of 2008, and here we are in February of 2010 and ohmyGod I just can’t wait to have a glass of wine. Perhaps it’s part of my craving for my body to be mine again, even though I love nursing her and I’m SO glad that we’ve been able to breastfeed for this long and I have no intentions of quitting until she’s one (even when it’s miserable to pump while being at work...but more on that later).
I think this whole motherhood thing is making me more understanding of the crazy ride that is parenting, and I realize that these superstrong opinions will likely change a hundred times over the next handful of years. So, I raise a glass (of ::sigh:: club soda) to all the parents out there who have no idea what they’re doing, like me. May we all find the strength to live in the gray zone and just go with the flow, making decisions that are right for this baby at this time.
P.S. While I’m proud of myself for going with the flow and changing my preconceptions in order to do what’s right for my child, let the record show that I am still not mature enough to enjoy hearing ‘I told you so’ or “remember when you said that you’d NEVER do ___”. Yes, I remember. Of course I remember...because these are issues that I used to judge other mothers on all. the. time.
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